It's been awhile....

It's interesting how so much happens in one year. I remember at this time last year at work we were starting to prepare for a huge layoff. Was I a worried about my job? For some strange reason no I wasn't. I work in HRIS and you have to have us to enter everybody's information into the system. I was worried about some of my friends that were here though. The sad thing is that one of my friends did get laid off. She had just had a baby at the end of September and while she was on out leave got laid off. I was upset and thought it was wrong of our boss, but there was nothing I could do about it. I should be happy that I still had my job, but now that girl is happy as ever spending time with her little girl at home. I was sort of starting to date this guy I work with. Yea I thought he was cute and he's a super nice guy. We went out on one date and then was with each other on Halloween at a party. After that it didn't go anywhere which is a good thing now. Now it's been a year and our company is doing much better than last year, no layoff talks. I'm still in the same job, wanting a different title and more work. It'll come in time I know it. I'm dating a totally different guy who I love so much. It's just been one interesting year since last year at this time. It was unhappy around here and I was just ok. But as for this year, it's lighter around work. I have a new boss who knows lots of things about our system and I'm hoping for a new change. Plus I have an amazing man in my life who I hope to spend the rest of my life with. You have to weather through the storms cause there is always light at then end of a storm.

Holidays!

The first holiday of the season has come and gone, now we just have to wait till Christmas which is my favorite holiday. I love the lights, music, decorations, and the joy of being with family. I use to get all excited about Christmas just because I knew I'd be getting gift but now that I'm older it's much more than that. We get to celebrate Jesus birth, spend time with family that you don't see very much, and just the season all together. This holiday season has been a wonderful for me so far. I went home for Thanksgiving and came home to a great surprise. My older brother, sister-in-law and niece had showed up for a surprise! I literally screamed in my car when I saw them. It had been over a year since I'd seen my niece and sister-in-law. My grandmother or Shoo Shoo as we call her was there as well. I got to spend Thanksgiving with my whole family! This Christmas we'll just be mom, dad, Mark and me. I'll actually get to spend Christmas Eve with them and Christmas day. Last year I didn't spend Christmas Eve with them all day or Christmas day either. I was at my then boy friend's house spending Christmas with them. It was nice and a little different for me since that was my first time to not spend Christmas with my family. I enjoyed it though so don't get me wrong, I went to church with his sister and mom and him. Woke up and everyone opened presents all at once. We don't do that in my family, it's one by one for us. Different but a nice experience to have though because who knows what it'll be like when I get married. I might just start my own tradition. I get to spend the Christmas season with my new friends up here in Tulsa as well. If it weren't for them I don't know how I would be. I've learned many things from them and I've grown. I'm excited to see what the new year will bring me, but for now I'm just going to enjoy my favorite holiday season with family and friends. So get your shopping done early and if not just don't be a Grinch at the stores, smile and say Merry Christmas!! More laters.....

1 Year!

Ok peeps it has officially been one year since I've moved to Tulsa, OK! Oh boy let me tell you what a roller coaster ride it has been too. I'll start from the beginning....most people know why I moved up here in the first place so I won't go into detail about that. My move was somewhat ok, but then again what move is perfect. The first time I walked into my new apartment, boy was I disappointed, but hey it was going to work for the time I found it and needed it. We somewhat had to rush to get me all unloaded cause my boyfriend at the time needed to get to his grandparents 50th wedding anniversary party. He made it and the weekend was good. First day of work was kind of a blur to me. I arrived during audit week which is BORING!! I sat there for almost the entire week doing nothing but was hopeful that it would change. November went by great and December came. It was my boyfriends birthday, major ice storm of the Tulsa area, Christmas, and for some reason I remember our first huge fight. Why I logged that in a calendar is beyond me. The ice storm was very interesting, didn't even know it was happening until I got a text from my boyfriend asking if I electricity. Ha- then I went outside for work and WOW! I even remember my Wells Fargo account getting hacked into. Yea some wrote a $3,000 check in my account. First of all I didn't even have that much money in there in first place. So I got all that worked out and changed banks. Christmas came and was good then New Years. On January 1, 2008 I FINALLY got my FIRST kiss at midnight. Yea I know 25 years old and I finally got a kiss at midnight. I can still remember the kiss too. I have no words to describe it either except it was perfect. So anyways, January came and I was getting involved in things at work. I signed up for a Boot Camp and to do the Martin Luther King parade for DTAG. I also was got assigned for the "fun committee" at work too. I got in a car accident at the end of January. Some retard one morning was driving way too close to me in the rain/snow and hit me from behind. GREAT! My car got fixed so that is all that matters. February- nothing special at all except maybe Valentine's Day and the start of lent in which I can say I gave up chocolate for lent. Was that ever hard! Ahh but here comes March, what a not so good month that was. This is the month that my boyfriend broke up with me. Yes it felt like my whole world fell apart that one night. My heart got ripped out, thrown on the ground, and stomped on several times. I wanted to leave and just not be in Oklahoma anymore, but I knew that couldn't happen. Luckily Stefanie was coming up that weekend and I knew she could cheer me up. We had a good weekend together, drove to OKC for a wedding and just hung out. I went home for Easter and was just trying to figure out what I was going to do. April was better than March. I went to my first Dive Bar night with friends, went to a wine party, did the American Heart Association Walk, went to a baby shower in TX and had a girls night out with my girlfriends from TX. Deep breath....ok relax now. Yes a very busy month for me. May is here! It was my friend Lisa's birthday and we all went to the place called Caravan. Love the place! I even started going to this place called Bobbisox. Ah yes Bobbisox, a bar/karaoke place inside a motel. We, my friends, just love the place. You can meet some many interesting people at places like this. I was going apartment shopping cause I hated the place I lived and looking for new furniture cause I hated mine. I was finally enjoying myself again, new friends and staying busy. I even had my first date after my boyfriend had broken up with me. Umm...let just say that it was 1 date and I've never heard back from the guy, but I was totally ok with that. The reason being is because I had been talking to my boyfriend that I had back in 7th grade. We started talking at the beginning of April just basically talking about what we had been doing, our relationships, work, stuff like that. Then at the end of May I confessed to him that I think I was starting to have feelings for him, even though he lived in Colorado. Well he said the same thing. Funny enough we kept talking and he told me that he wanted to come out to Tulsa to see me. Well I told him "you'll have to wait till I move into my new apartment." He booked a flight out to see me in June. June was a good month as well. I moved into my new apartment which I love! So the guy from Colorado came to visit the weekend after I moved in. We hadn't seen each other in over 12 years!! The weekend was great! Didn't feel weird, awkward or anything. Then what do you know July came and he came again! This time it was for the 4th of July weekend. So we got to spend a little bit longer with each other that weekend. I went to my Red River Drum and Auxiliary camp again. Not as hot as it was the year before, which was good, but still a very long week. I came back to work and what do you know, I get a promotion!! I was finally going to get a little bit more money and start doing things I enjoyed doing. I'm basically do things I went to college to do. Business with computers, what I wanted! I love what I'm doing right now and love learning new things. So the end of July I thought I was finally doing alright. Ahh then comes the best month of the year AUGUST!!! Yes it is the month of my birth but still it's an awesome month. I did finally get to go out to CO for a visit this month too. Even though it rained the entire time I was out there, I had a GREAT time. My birthday rolled around and yet another year old. My dad came up to visit me. Now here comes September another not so good month except the fact that football was starting. The guy that had visited me twice and I had just gone to see in Colorado all of a sudden just stopped talking to me. Don't know why and still don't know why. After 3 phone calls and some text messages I gave up. He lost out on a great girl as I say and other people say that too. I'd like to know why some guy I had huge feelings for just stops right out talking to you. I mean not even a phone call, text message, e-mail nothing! I've moved on and I'm not going to worry about it. I guess it wasn't meant to be. He's with someone now and as long as he's happy. But the month of football though!! Love it thanks to my ex-boyfriend! I know HAVE to watch every single Dallas Cowboy game. Even though they aren't doing to swift right now I don't care. Then of coarse there is my Texas Longhorns who I can now say beat OU!!!!!!!! HOOK'EM HORNS!! (it was in October but I just had to mention it early) Since it is September it is the month of fall and I love fall. Cooler weather, leaves changing, and just plain right out great. So since it is nicer weather I decided to start walking out at a park here in Tulsa with a friend. I forgot how much I enjoyed walking outside with a friend. I use to do that right after Lauren died to just get out of the house. It helped with all the emotions I was going through and it's a nice good workout. I also did another walk too. The Breast Cancer Walk which is a GREAT cause! At the end of September my friend Heather had a beautiful baby girl. I forgot to mention that at the beginning of the year but it was interesting to actually watch one of your friends go through pregnancy. I've learned a lot about pregnancy! Now the month of October....ahh...the scary month of Halloween. This month I got a Henna tattoo!! No it is not permanent but it did look pretty cool though. I went to my friend Brian's band gigs and got hit on by ugly older men. Went to Fishbonz or as we call it "douchebonz" and every experience there keeps getting better and better. I know look at going there as an exciting time. I use to hate that place but I won't go into details why. I finally went to an Oktoberfest and wore my Texas Longhorn shirt. I've never got as much attention for wearing a Texas shirt EVER before. Some good things out of people's mouths and some not so good. But I don't care, I'm going to wear those colors proudly! I also got in a minor accident with my car. So I seriously wasn't paying attention and hit the gate at my apartment complex. Totally ripped off my the right side of my mirror and bent the front fender, major scratches too. Go me!! I went to SOSU Homecoming and saw lots of old friends and even saw my ex from college! It was good, a little weird at first but good though. It was good to see him and all his friends. I've got to say that the next week was a very rough one. We had a huge layoff at Headquarter were I work. It happen on the last Thursday of the month, the day before Halloween to be exact. At 3:45 PM I found out that one of my close co-workers was getting laid off. I was shocked!! I cried and was just so mad that they had done that to her. But there is nothing I can do about it though. A bunch of people from work and my friends had a Happy Hour after work that day. That was a VERY interesting evening. We came up with a fun beer game though at McNellies! I don't remember how I got home that night but I did! So onto Halloween!! I went to a haunted ride out in Skiatook. It was very fun and wasn't that scary for me. The first day of November was my friend Jen's Halloween party at her and her husband Brian's house. They made a haunted house in their garage! It was very cool! I went as a cheerleader too! Somehow I fit into my sophomore high school cheerleader uniform! (Go see my pics) Oh yea, I was happy! Then the next week was election week. I'm not too happy about who was elected to president but I'm looking forward to see what he will do in the next 4 years. Now I'm at a year and as I look back, it just shocks me to think that it's already been a year. I've had tears of pain and sadness. I've made new friends and I'm loving my job. To all my 918 group, you guys are the reason I don't want to leave this place. You've been there for me and have made me enjoy my life up here. I haven't forgotten all my Texas friends either now. I miss you guys completely and sometimes wish I could be in two places at once. I have to add one more thank you in here too. Don't be shocked people but I've got to say thank you to the person who brought me up here in the first place. (Tim) Even though we didn't work out, I wouldn't trade this past year for anything. I don't regret a single thing about moving up here. If it wasn't for you, I don't know what my life would be like. There was a reason that God wanted me to come up here. So thanks from the bottom of my heart. I'm going to end this long blog with my new favorite song right now. Nickelback-Gotta Be Somebody.........









This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just done enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holding my own breath, right up 'til the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with
Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know the night alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right, it's just like déja vu
Me standing here with you
So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end?
Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with
Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know the night alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
You can't give up, (when looking for) a diamond did erupts?? (you will never know)
The wind shows up, (make sure you're holding on)
Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on
Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me, oh
Nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know the night alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Blogging

So I've been meanig to write in my many blogs that I have but just haven't. Lots of things have gone on since I've written in this one. I won't go the Reader's Digest version or into the whole long story of what I've been doing since 2006. Let's just say I now live in Tulsa, OK and I'm enjoying my life. Not married, no kids, still single and having fun with my new friends up here. Enjoying my job as well, hopefully I can advance more up here than I would have in Texas. I'll try to write more on here if I remember, but I'm not holding my breathe. I know I'll be writing one in November cause it will be a year since I've moved up here. It will be a very interesting blog. Till then I'm out, lata!

Day 1

Ok so yesterday I took my mom to the airport and when I got back I did laundry and I was fine. Then Mike R. came over to hang out with me then Jackie A. came over. I was fine we watched TV and I cross-stiched. No anxiety attacks. I did though have to sleep with the light on in my room and I feel asleep to a movie. But then this morning here comes a mild anxiety attack. So I called my mom and cried a little. I know this is going to be a tough week for me and I have to take it one day at a time. I didn't sleep that well but I slept some. Hopefully I'll sleep a little better each night cause I know I'll be tired from not sleep at all. I slept til like 11 AM on Sunday which I think was good for me cause I needed it, but then again I couldn't fall asleep last night. I knew that I need to get to bed because I had to get up at 5 AM this morning. I'm going to be really tired today. Oh and to anybody that reads this please DO NOT tell me ANY bad news or sad news. I'll be sad for whoever but as of right now I need to get through what I'm going through first. I don't want people to think I have a cold heart or anything it's just I can only take so much. I need a good cry, I think. We are not talking the plain cry, I'm talking the just all out cry where you bawl your eyes out. I want to do that to see if that makes me feel better. I keep trying to think of things to make me feel better but it's just really hard right now. If anybody has any idea as to what could make me feel better please let me know. I would really appreciate it like no other. I went to work and that was ok, I just didn't feel like working though. I got through the day and felt better as the day went on. I went over to my friend Dane's house and swam at his house. He cooked hotdogs outside. Then all of a sudden here they come more anxiety attacks. But at his house were mild ones, driving down the road, oh no. I called Stefanie to talk to me felt like I was going to throw up at one time. So I pulled over and started to cry. After that I said I've got to call my mom and talk to her. That made me feel a little bit better til I got home, not that there was anything wrong with talking to Stefanie, its just you know how you want your mom sometimes. So I was talking to her, my mom that is, and I started crying good. Then oops I threw up finally. I feel better now I just have the lonely feeling again. I'm fine around people but when I'm by myself thats when it hits. I use to be fine like I said before but one little thing will trigger them. I told my mom tonight that I wish I would just throw up again, like I did that one time. But no not everything can go your way. I want to live somewhere else I don't want to live here anymore. I lived in this house last summer and this past spring time. It is almost like I need a new scene or something. Maybe when I get a cat I'll feel a little bit better. I know after all this stuff is over with I'll be ok and in my mind I know I'll be ok it is just that one part of my brain that isn't connecting with the other part. So I'm going to go now let's pray that I'll get better. Lata

Here I Go

Ok so the funeral is over with and my mom is leaving tomorrow to go home. So tomorrow is the start of a new week. I will be by myself again so let's see how everything goes. I'm hoping I will do ok for the 1st night cause I do have to wake up at 5 AM for work. I think if I have people come over and spend sometime with me I'll be ok. Just this week though cause I'm hoping (crossing my fingers) that I'll have the whole week of 4th of July off from work. Then I get to go to Red River Drum and auxiliary Camp the next week. Hopefully by then I'll be better. Not that I'm not better now or anything, I think the funeral gave me so more closure. My mom and me are rearranging my living room to make it a little easier on me. I bought a new comforter or I should say a huge blanket for my bed too. Just right now the dark color of pink and red remind me of Lauren. Now I don't want people to start thinking that I'm trying to forget her its not that at all. But for me to go on with my life and not remember the bad stuff I've got to change. Change is always good for you too. Lauren and I would talk about that sometimes.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
-Ok so I didn't finish my last entry cause I fell asleep last night and I also tried to go watch a movie. Well that didn't work out so much either. I had major, major anxiety attacks last night. I almost passed out once in the movie theatre lobby right by the bathrooms. Boy glad I didn't cause that would have been really embarrassing. Then I had little ones but pushed my way through them, then another big one hit again. So I called Stefanie while I was out in the lobby and my mom came out and said let's go. So we walked outside a little bit and I cried. But I cried because I want all this to end, I want to stop having these anxiety attacks. If you only knew what I go through when I have these. It scares me and I HATE THEM!! I always have and I'm pretty sure I always will. My mom told me that I really need to go get help from someone. Everybody keeps telling me that and I know I do but I hate to feel like I can't do it on my own. I'm so independent on myself thinking I can do it myself, I can overcome this. That's me though trying to do things by myself and not wanting help. I guess I do need it, it's just me getting the courage to go find a ok price person to talk to. I don't have insurance so it will be kind of hard to talk to someone professionals about it. I'll ask around though to find at least a descent priced on to help me out. Time will heal all wombs I know just why did this have to happen to me now? I was planning on having a good year and not having it like 2005. So far this year hasn't been too bad but WHAM, it hits you like a ton of bricks. I could look at this as a turning point though and think hey I'm going to be ok alone. I haven't figured out what this really means and I probably won't ever figure it out. I think why did He have to take her from her family and friends that loved her sooo much? She had so much to live for and I think had a very bright future ahead of her. Then again I think well maybe there was something in the future she couldn't handle. I still think to this day why did He have to take Stephanie Smith? But again I think the same thing. She as well had family and friends that loved her, along with a bright future. I guess when it is your time to go then it is your time to go. God is the only one that knows and I've learn that we should live our lives to the fullest. Most people might lose their faith after things like this but I don't think they should. Some of this has gotten me to grown closer. Praying helps yes it does I have seen it happen. When my niece was born and all her things was happening. She has pulled through and might I add is walking now!!! I'm so excited for her, I just wish I could have seen her walk when she came down for Mark's graduation. Sorry I brag on my cute little niece all the time. So back to what I was saying I do believe prayers work and it just you have to keep on praying. I heard from my best friend from like elementary school on myspace. I forgot she knows what I'm going through. She lost someone she loved that was very close to her at a young age. She left me her number and I'm going to call to catch up and see how she got through it. It is kind of weird how I do have some friends that have gone through what I'm going through. So at least I know I'm not the only one that has gone through something like this. I'll talk to them and professionals and I'll be fine. Yes I know it will take some time and this week I'll be busy at work and cleaning my house. If anybody still wants to come over I have brownies, pizza rolls, and lots of other food. I do cook so please stop by my house to say hi! Next week is 4th of July and I hope I can go home and spend some more time with the fam. Especially my hilarious little brother who is going off to college in August. Then I'm so excited I get to go to the Red River Drum and auxiliary camp after that!!! I'm so pumped about it!! Anyways I need to get ready to take my mom to the airport. More lata P.S. if sentences don't make sense I'm sorry. I just type off the top of my head, so bare with me.

Lonely

So I know I haven't been telling people exactly how I feel about this whole thing. Yeah I know I tell everyone that I'm ok but deep down I'm not. If you know me at all I write my feelings down better than I do telling them. As most of you may know that I was with Lauren that night. I had gotten off work and we were talking about what we were going to do for the weekend. We wanted to go to Tokyo Japanese restaurant for dinner with a bunch of people. But we couldn't get enough people to go. So we just decided to go to China Star and have Chinese food instead. We went and had dinner and talked liked we always did. We had decided to watch scary movies that night. So we headed to Blockbuster to rent scary movies. We found 2 and saw some other movies that we wanted to buy as well. She bought Just Friends and The 40 year old Virgin. She loved the movie Just Friends I might add. I had bought Stealth and Carmen E. Hip-hop and lap dance aerobics DVD. Yeah you can laugh, but Lauren and I loved them. So we came back and as usual we sat and played on our computers and watched TV. Well we never really watched it we just somewhat did. Then we finally decided to put a movie in. We were laughing and so pumped about getting scared and sleeping in the living room. The last thing I remember about her is that we both got scared about this one part in the movie and we both screamed. Yes Lauren screamed it was funny cause then the light clip that I have on the futon came off and scared her too. I made fun of her for getting scared and told her it was just a movie. We laughed and that is all I really remember besides of how I found her. I don't want anybody to have to go through what I did that night. That image will ever be planted in my mind. Yes I will forget about it in my day to day life but back in my mind that image will be there. It is tough for me to go back to my house and walk in and not see her there. We both were so excited about the summer and all the things we were going to do. She was planning her birthday out and even what she was going to do in the fall. I enjoyed my conversations with Lauren. We had deep discussions, funny ones, serious, goofy, and lots about what we wanted to do in life. I remember us talking about going to a baseball game and finding ourselves hot baseball players. She didn't want anymore tall foreign guys. Truly deep down Lauren really loved him and wanted to marry him. I could go to her about anything it seemed. I told her about the person I was falling in love with and what I should do. I asked her about God and what she thought about a certain situation. I couldn't tell you how many conversations we had sitting at the house every night. We would always laugh and just enjoy our time together. Just like she did with anybody else that I know of. These past couple of days have been tough for me and they are only going to get worse. I plan on going to see a counselor about this situation. I thought I could do this on my own but when you wake up at 2:30 AM and have an anxiety attack yeah. I don't know if some people know but since December of 2003 I've had stress and anxiety problems. Actually I've had them since I was like 6 years old but it finally got worse. I know of the problem now and I try to control them with things that I have picked up on. Listening to music, dancing, laughing, just trying to forget about it. But when I have lots of things on my mind it is kind of hard to let them go. I threw up for 1 month straight twice a day cause I was so stressed out. I would be driving down the road and have an anxiety attack. Even just sitting in class I would all of a sudden have one. I get really embarrassed about it when I have one, cause nobody knows what to do when I have one. They just have to pass it may take awhile 10 min to 45 min it all depends on what it is about. They ended in February of 2004 when I finally had gotten a boyfriend who helped me through them. I was doing so much better, I didn't have them near as often, even after he broke up with me. Now that they are back in full swing I'm having major trouble again. I hate it serialize I do! I feel so bad for the ones that I'm around when I have one. Sometimes I don't even tell people when I have a minor one. I think that I'm not stressed but I guess all little things added on top of others just adds up. Now I have my work on my mind because I'm still temp. Here. I know some of ya'll think well I thought you actually worked here. Well I started temp. but now they are on a hiring freeze and can't hire me on yet. I worry about my niece and the things that she has to go through. Another one is over a guy, and yes I know I shouldn't stress over a guy. But when you grow strong, very, strong feelings for a guy more than you had for your ex-boyfriend, and then all of a sudden you guys stop talking. Yeah it is going to bother me and I'm wondering what did I do wrong? I can't describe my feelings for this guy but I will say that the 1st time we hugged I felt something. I felt safe and I didn't want him to let go of me. He makes me feel sexy and pretty no matter what I look like. He makes me laugh and I'm comfortable around him and he did at one time tell me the same thing. I don't know what is going to happen it just seems as though now I have to take my life one day at a time. Anyways I will be keeping everyone up to date on my day to day activities as much as I can. It is good for me I think that I write things out. Not that it helps but you never know. Sometimes people just feel better after typing or writing their thoughts out. I hope all this makes sense to people if not I'm sorry maybe the others will make sense. Got to go to bed, big day ahead of me tomorrow. Lata