Lonely

So I know I haven't been telling people exactly how I feel about this whole thing. Yeah I know I tell everyone that I'm ok but deep down I'm not. If you know me at all I write my feelings down better than I do telling them. As most of you may know that I was with Lauren that night. I had gotten off work and we were talking about what we were going to do for the weekend. We wanted to go to Tokyo Japanese restaurant for dinner with a bunch of people. But we couldn't get enough people to go. So we just decided to go to China Star and have Chinese food instead. We went and had dinner and talked liked we always did. We had decided to watch scary movies that night. So we headed to Blockbuster to rent scary movies. We found 2 and saw some other movies that we wanted to buy as well. She bought Just Friends and The 40 year old Virgin. She loved the movie Just Friends I might add. I had bought Stealth and Carmen E. Hip-hop and lap dance aerobics DVD. Yeah you can laugh, but Lauren and I loved them. So we came back and as usual we sat and played on our computers and watched TV. Well we never really watched it we just somewhat did. Then we finally decided to put a movie in. We were laughing and so pumped about getting scared and sleeping in the living room. The last thing I remember about her is that we both got scared about this one part in the movie and we both screamed. Yes Lauren screamed it was funny cause then the light clip that I have on the futon came off and scared her too. I made fun of her for getting scared and told her it was just a movie. We laughed and that is all I really remember besides of how I found her. I don't want anybody to have to go through what I did that night. That image will ever be planted in my mind. Yes I will forget about it in my day to day life but back in my mind that image will be there. It is tough for me to go back to my house and walk in and not see her there. We both were so excited about the summer and all the things we were going to do. She was planning her birthday out and even what she was going to do in the fall. I enjoyed my conversations with Lauren. We had deep discussions, funny ones, serious, goofy, and lots about what we wanted to do in life. I remember us talking about going to a baseball game and finding ourselves hot baseball players. She didn't want anymore tall foreign guys. Truly deep down Lauren really loved him and wanted to marry him. I could go to her about anything it seemed. I told her about the person I was falling in love with and what I should do. I asked her about God and what she thought about a certain situation. I couldn't tell you how many conversations we had sitting at the house every night. We would always laugh and just enjoy our time together. Just like she did with anybody else that I know of. These past couple of days have been tough for me and they are only going to get worse. I plan on going to see a counselor about this situation. I thought I could do this on my own but when you wake up at 2:30 AM and have an anxiety attack yeah. I don't know if some people know but since December of 2003 I've had stress and anxiety problems. Actually I've had them since I was like 6 years old but it finally got worse. I know of the problem now and I try to control them with things that I have picked up on. Listening to music, dancing, laughing, just trying to forget about it. But when I have lots of things on my mind it is kind of hard to let them go. I threw up for 1 month straight twice a day cause I was so stressed out. I would be driving down the road and have an anxiety attack. Even just sitting in class I would all of a sudden have one. I get really embarrassed about it when I have one, cause nobody knows what to do when I have one. They just have to pass it may take awhile 10 min to 45 min it all depends on what it is about. They ended in February of 2004 when I finally had gotten a boyfriend who helped me through them. I was doing so much better, I didn't have them near as often, even after he broke up with me. Now that they are back in full swing I'm having major trouble again. I hate it serialize I do! I feel so bad for the ones that I'm around when I have one. Sometimes I don't even tell people when I have a minor one. I think that I'm not stressed but I guess all little things added on top of others just adds up. Now I have my work on my mind because I'm still temp. Here. I know some of ya'll think well I thought you actually worked here. Well I started temp. but now they are on a hiring freeze and can't hire me on yet. I worry about my niece and the things that she has to go through. Another one is over a guy, and yes I know I shouldn't stress over a guy. But when you grow strong, very, strong feelings for a guy more than you had for your ex-boyfriend, and then all of a sudden you guys stop talking. Yeah it is going to bother me and I'm wondering what did I do wrong? I can't describe my feelings for this guy but I will say that the 1st time we hugged I felt something. I felt safe and I didn't want him to let go of me. He makes me feel sexy and pretty no matter what I look like. He makes me laugh and I'm comfortable around him and he did at one time tell me the same thing. I don't know what is going to happen it just seems as though now I have to take my life one day at a time. Anyways I will be keeping everyone up to date on my day to day activities as much as I can. It is good for me I think that I write things out. Not that it helps but you never know. Sometimes people just feel better after typing or writing their thoughts out. I hope all this makes sense to people if not I'm sorry maybe the others will make sense. Got to go to bed, big day ahead of me tomorrow. Lata