Here I Go

Ok so the funeral is over with and my mom is leaving tomorrow to go home. So tomorrow is the start of a new week. I will be by myself again so let's see how everything goes. I'm hoping I will do ok for the 1st night cause I do have to wake up at 5 AM for work. I think if I have people come over and spend sometime with me I'll be ok. Just this week though cause I'm hoping (crossing my fingers) that I'll have the whole week of 4th of July off from work. Then I get to go to Red River Drum and auxiliary Camp the next week. Hopefully by then I'll be better. Not that I'm not better now or anything, I think the funeral gave me so more closure. My mom and me are rearranging my living room to make it a little easier on me. I bought a new comforter or I should say a huge blanket for my bed too. Just right now the dark color of pink and red remind me of Lauren. Now I don't want people to start thinking that I'm trying to forget her its not that at all. But for me to go on with my life and not remember the bad stuff I've got to change. Change is always good for you too. Lauren and I would talk about that sometimes.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
-Ok so I didn't finish my last entry cause I fell asleep last night and I also tried to go watch a movie. Well that didn't work out so much either. I had major, major anxiety attacks last night. I almost passed out once in the movie theatre lobby right by the bathrooms. Boy glad I didn't cause that would have been really embarrassing. Then I had little ones but pushed my way through them, then another big one hit again. So I called Stefanie while I was out in the lobby and my mom came out and said let's go. So we walked outside a little bit and I cried. But I cried because I want all this to end, I want to stop having these anxiety attacks. If you only knew what I go through when I have these. It scares me and I HATE THEM!! I always have and I'm pretty sure I always will. My mom told me that I really need to go get help from someone. Everybody keeps telling me that and I know I do but I hate to feel like I can't do it on my own. I'm so independent on myself thinking I can do it myself, I can overcome this. That's me though trying to do things by myself and not wanting help. I guess I do need it, it's just me getting the courage to go find a ok price person to talk to. I don't have insurance so it will be kind of hard to talk to someone professionals about it. I'll ask around though to find at least a descent priced on to help me out. Time will heal all wombs I know just why did this have to happen to me now? I was planning on having a good year and not having it like 2005. So far this year hasn't been too bad but WHAM, it hits you like a ton of bricks. I could look at this as a turning point though and think hey I'm going to be ok alone. I haven't figured out what this really means and I probably won't ever figure it out. I think why did He have to take her from her family and friends that loved her sooo much? She had so much to live for and I think had a very bright future ahead of her. Then again I think well maybe there was something in the future she couldn't handle. I still think to this day why did He have to take Stephanie Smith? But again I think the same thing. She as well had family and friends that loved her, along with a bright future. I guess when it is your time to go then it is your time to go. God is the only one that knows and I've learn that we should live our lives to the fullest. Most people might lose their faith after things like this but I don't think they should. Some of this has gotten me to grown closer. Praying helps yes it does I have seen it happen. When my niece was born and all her things was happening. She has pulled through and might I add is walking now!!! I'm so excited for her, I just wish I could have seen her walk when she came down for Mark's graduation. Sorry I brag on my cute little niece all the time. So back to what I was saying I do believe prayers work and it just you have to keep on praying. I heard from my best friend from like elementary school on myspace. I forgot she knows what I'm going through. She lost someone she loved that was very close to her at a young age. She left me her number and I'm going to call to catch up and see how she got through it. It is kind of weird how I do have some friends that have gone through what I'm going through. So at least I know I'm not the only one that has gone through something like this. I'll talk to them and professionals and I'll be fine. Yes I know it will take some time and this week I'll be busy at work and cleaning my house. If anybody still wants to come over I have brownies, pizza rolls, and lots of other food. I do cook so please stop by my house to say hi! Next week is 4th of July and I hope I can go home and spend some more time with the fam. Especially my hilarious little brother who is going off to college in August. Then I'm so excited I get to go to the Red River Drum and auxiliary camp after that!!! I'm so pumped about it!! Anyways I need to get ready to take my mom to the airport. More lata P.S. if sentences don't make sense I'm sorry. I just type off the top of my head, so bare with me.