Day 1

Ok so yesterday I took my mom to the airport and when I got back I did laundry and I was fine. Then Mike R. came over to hang out with me then Jackie A. came over. I was fine we watched TV and I cross-stiched. No anxiety attacks. I did though have to sleep with the light on in my room and I feel asleep to a movie. But then this morning here comes a mild anxiety attack. So I called my mom and cried a little. I know this is going to be a tough week for me and I have to take it one day at a time. I didn't sleep that well but I slept some. Hopefully I'll sleep a little better each night cause I know I'll be tired from not sleep at all. I slept til like 11 AM on Sunday which I think was good for me cause I needed it, but then again I couldn't fall asleep last night. I knew that I need to get to bed because I had to get up at 5 AM this morning. I'm going to be really tired today. Oh and to anybody that reads this please DO NOT tell me ANY bad news or sad news. I'll be sad for whoever but as of right now I need to get through what I'm going through first. I don't want people to think I have a cold heart or anything it's just I can only take so much. I need a good cry, I think. We are not talking the plain cry, I'm talking the just all out cry where you bawl your eyes out. I want to do that to see if that makes me feel better. I keep trying to think of things to make me feel better but it's just really hard right now. If anybody has any idea as to what could make me feel better please let me know. I would really appreciate it like no other. I went to work and that was ok, I just didn't feel like working though. I got through the day and felt better as the day went on. I went over to my friend Dane's house and swam at his house. He cooked hotdogs outside. Then all of a sudden here they come more anxiety attacks. But at his house were mild ones, driving down the road, oh no. I called Stefanie to talk to me felt like I was going to throw up at one time. So I pulled over and started to cry. After that I said I've got to call my mom and talk to her. That made me feel a little bit better til I got home, not that there was anything wrong with talking to Stefanie, its just you know how you want your mom sometimes. So I was talking to her, my mom that is, and I started crying good. Then oops I threw up finally. I feel better now I just have the lonely feeling again. I'm fine around people but when I'm by myself thats when it hits. I use to be fine like I said before but one little thing will trigger them. I told my mom tonight that I wish I would just throw up again, like I did that one time. But no not everything can go your way. I want to live somewhere else I don't want to live here anymore. I lived in this house last summer and this past spring time. It is almost like I need a new scene or something. Maybe when I get a cat I'll feel a little bit better. I know after all this stuff is over with I'll be ok and in my mind I know I'll be ok it is just that one part of my brain that isn't connecting with the other part. So I'm going to go now let's pray that I'll get better. Lata

Here I Go

Ok so the funeral is over with and my mom is leaving tomorrow to go home. So tomorrow is the start of a new week. I will be by myself again so let's see how everything goes. I'm hoping I will do ok for the 1st night cause I do have to wake up at 5 AM for work. I think if I have people come over and spend sometime with me I'll be ok. Just this week though cause I'm hoping (crossing my fingers) that I'll have the whole week of 4th of July off from work. Then I get to go to Red River Drum and auxiliary Camp the next week. Hopefully by then I'll be better. Not that I'm not better now or anything, I think the funeral gave me so more closure. My mom and me are rearranging my living room to make it a little easier on me. I bought a new comforter or I should say a huge blanket for my bed too. Just right now the dark color of pink and red remind me of Lauren. Now I don't want people to start thinking that I'm trying to forget her its not that at all. But for me to go on with my life and not remember the bad stuff I've got to change. Change is always good for you too. Lauren and I would talk about that sometimes.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
-Ok so I didn't finish my last entry cause I fell asleep last night and I also tried to go watch a movie. Well that didn't work out so much either. I had major, major anxiety attacks last night. I almost passed out once in the movie theatre lobby right by the bathrooms. Boy glad I didn't cause that would have been really embarrassing. Then I had little ones but pushed my way through them, then another big one hit again. So I called Stefanie while I was out in the lobby and my mom came out and said let's go. So we walked outside a little bit and I cried. But I cried because I want all this to end, I want to stop having these anxiety attacks. If you only knew what I go through when I have these. It scares me and I HATE THEM!! I always have and I'm pretty sure I always will. My mom told me that I really need to go get help from someone. Everybody keeps telling me that and I know I do but I hate to feel like I can't do it on my own. I'm so independent on myself thinking I can do it myself, I can overcome this. That's me though trying to do things by myself and not wanting help. I guess I do need it, it's just me getting the courage to go find a ok price person to talk to. I don't have insurance so it will be kind of hard to talk to someone professionals about it. I'll ask around though to find at least a descent priced on to help me out. Time will heal all wombs I know just why did this have to happen to me now? I was planning on having a good year and not having it like 2005. So far this year hasn't been too bad but WHAM, it hits you like a ton of bricks. I could look at this as a turning point though and think hey I'm going to be ok alone. I haven't figured out what this really means and I probably won't ever figure it out. I think why did He have to take her from her family and friends that loved her sooo much? She had so much to live for and I think had a very bright future ahead of her. Then again I think well maybe there was something in the future she couldn't handle. I still think to this day why did He have to take Stephanie Smith? But again I think the same thing. She as well had family and friends that loved her, along with a bright future. I guess when it is your time to go then it is your time to go. God is the only one that knows and I've learn that we should live our lives to the fullest. Most people might lose their faith after things like this but I don't think they should. Some of this has gotten me to grown closer. Praying helps yes it does I have seen it happen. When my niece was born and all her things was happening. She has pulled through and might I add is walking now!!! I'm so excited for her, I just wish I could have seen her walk when she came down for Mark's graduation. Sorry I brag on my cute little niece all the time. So back to what I was saying I do believe prayers work and it just you have to keep on praying. I heard from my best friend from like elementary school on myspace. I forgot she knows what I'm going through. She lost someone she loved that was very close to her at a young age. She left me her number and I'm going to call to catch up and see how she got through it. It is kind of weird how I do have some friends that have gone through what I'm going through. So at least I know I'm not the only one that has gone through something like this. I'll talk to them and professionals and I'll be fine. Yes I know it will take some time and this week I'll be busy at work and cleaning my house. If anybody still wants to come over I have brownies, pizza rolls, and lots of other food. I do cook so please stop by my house to say hi! Next week is 4th of July and I hope I can go home and spend some more time with the fam. Especially my hilarious little brother who is going off to college in August. Then I'm so excited I get to go to the Red River Drum and auxiliary camp after that!!! I'm so pumped about it!! Anyways I need to get ready to take my mom to the airport. More lata P.S. if sentences don't make sense I'm sorry. I just type off the top of my head, so bare with me.

Lonely

So I know I haven't been telling people exactly how I feel about this whole thing. Yeah I know I tell everyone that I'm ok but deep down I'm not. If you know me at all I write my feelings down better than I do telling them. As most of you may know that I was with Lauren that night. I had gotten off work and we were talking about what we were going to do for the weekend. We wanted to go to Tokyo Japanese restaurant for dinner with a bunch of people. But we couldn't get enough people to go. So we just decided to go to China Star and have Chinese food instead. We went and had dinner and talked liked we always did. We had decided to watch scary movies that night. So we headed to Blockbuster to rent scary movies. We found 2 and saw some other movies that we wanted to buy as well. She bought Just Friends and The 40 year old Virgin. She loved the movie Just Friends I might add. I had bought Stealth and Carmen E. Hip-hop and lap dance aerobics DVD. Yeah you can laugh, but Lauren and I loved them. So we came back and as usual we sat and played on our computers and watched TV. Well we never really watched it we just somewhat did. Then we finally decided to put a movie in. We were laughing and so pumped about getting scared and sleeping in the living room. The last thing I remember about her is that we both got scared about this one part in the movie and we both screamed. Yes Lauren screamed it was funny cause then the light clip that I have on the futon came off and scared her too. I made fun of her for getting scared and told her it was just a movie. We laughed and that is all I really remember besides of how I found her. I don't want anybody to have to go through what I did that night. That image will ever be planted in my mind. Yes I will forget about it in my day to day life but back in my mind that image will be there. It is tough for me to go back to my house and walk in and not see her there. We both were so excited about the summer and all the things we were going to do. She was planning her birthday out and even what she was going to do in the fall. I enjoyed my conversations with Lauren. We had deep discussions, funny ones, serious, goofy, and lots about what we wanted to do in life. I remember us talking about going to a baseball game and finding ourselves hot baseball players. She didn't want anymore tall foreign guys. Truly deep down Lauren really loved him and wanted to marry him. I could go to her about anything it seemed. I told her about the person I was falling in love with and what I should do. I asked her about God and what she thought about a certain situation. I couldn't tell you how many conversations we had sitting at the house every night. We would always laugh and just enjoy our time together. Just like she did with anybody else that I know of. These past couple of days have been tough for me and they are only going to get worse. I plan on going to see a counselor about this situation. I thought I could do this on my own but when you wake up at 2:30 AM and have an anxiety attack yeah. I don't know if some people know but since December of 2003 I've had stress and anxiety problems. Actually I've had them since I was like 6 years old but it finally got worse. I know of the problem now and I try to control them with things that I have picked up on. Listening to music, dancing, laughing, just trying to forget about it. But when I have lots of things on my mind it is kind of hard to let them go. I threw up for 1 month straight twice a day cause I was so stressed out. I would be driving down the road and have an anxiety attack. Even just sitting in class I would all of a sudden have one. I get really embarrassed about it when I have one, cause nobody knows what to do when I have one. They just have to pass it may take awhile 10 min to 45 min it all depends on what it is about. They ended in February of 2004 when I finally had gotten a boyfriend who helped me through them. I was doing so much better, I didn't have them near as often, even after he broke up with me. Now that they are back in full swing I'm having major trouble again. I hate it serialize I do! I feel so bad for the ones that I'm around when I have one. Sometimes I don't even tell people when I have a minor one. I think that I'm not stressed but I guess all little things added on top of others just adds up. Now I have my work on my mind because I'm still temp. Here. I know some of ya'll think well I thought you actually worked here. Well I started temp. but now they are on a hiring freeze and can't hire me on yet. I worry about my niece and the things that she has to go through. Another one is over a guy, and yes I know I shouldn't stress over a guy. But when you grow strong, very, strong feelings for a guy more than you had for your ex-boyfriend, and then all of a sudden you guys stop talking. Yeah it is going to bother me and I'm wondering what did I do wrong? I can't describe my feelings for this guy but I will say that the 1st time we hugged I felt something. I felt safe and I didn't want him to let go of me. He makes me feel sexy and pretty no matter what I look like. He makes me laugh and I'm comfortable around him and he did at one time tell me the same thing. I don't know what is going to happen it just seems as though now I have to take my life one day at a time. Anyways I will be keeping everyone up to date on my day to day activities as much as I can. It is good for me I think that I write things out. Not that it helps but you never know. Sometimes people just feel better after typing or writing their thoughts out. I hope all this makes sense to people if not I'm sorry maybe the others will make sense. Got to go to bed, big day ahead of me tomorrow. Lata